Can you support and love yourself unconditionally? This means trusting that you will do whatever it takes to commit to you and create a space that is right for you. Let’s explore how you can be the parent you always wanted - and maybe never had.

THE CHALLENGES OF BEING A PARENT

This morning, I was frustrated. My daughter, aged 7, was angry and refusing to go to school.

I knew we had only 10 mins to get dressed, eat something and go to the pick up point where a neighbour is kind enough to drive her. She kicked her legs and screamed and snarled: I won’t go to school! I hate it!!!

I felt my panic and frustration rising up - we are so lucky to have a lift for her one hour journey, can’t she just ‘fall into line’? What’s the point of this, of course she has to go to school..etc. etc. I know she hates physical education and there are definitely issues with the teacher, but what could I do?

And then I stopped. I realised that I trusted her and owed it to her to find out what the problem was. I took her in my arms, held her close and said:
What is it that upsets you so much about PE?

E: There is a new game where we have to do roly polys

Me: And what’s bad about that?

E: I can’t do it, I fall off the mat and the floor is hard!

Me: Does anyone else struggle?

E: No! Just me!

Fear of losing control

So I began to build up a picture. She was dreading not only the loss of control of going upside down (how do I know that? Because I used to be the same - but I did check in with her on this), but also the humiliation of doing it badly and being the only one. I asked if she’s ever been taught how to do a forward roll. No, she hadn’t. And it didn’t look like she was going to be taught any time soon.

So, along with my promise that I would help her practice after school on my yoga mat (which helped a little), I realised that there are always, ALWAYS, places in life where we are not going to win, where we feel less-than and humiliated. There are even times when people make it their mission to make us feel that way, or try to manipulate us into ‘falling into line’, or their version of that. So what to do?

Standing up for yourself

I told her, at times like that when you feel as if everyone is looking down on you, when you tell yourself mean and judgmental things: “You’re so rubbish, why can’t you do better? Everyone else can do it, you’ll never learn, there’s something wrong with you…why do you have to be so different?” (sound familiar?) I told her that, at exactly these times, you have to do whatever it takes to stop the voices. You have to start a fire inside your tummy, from the inside, and that fire is a fierce love for yourself. That no matter what anyone else thinks, says or does (even if it’s you), you never let that fire go out and you never let that mean and horrible voice continue. You NEVER turn your back on you. Nothing matters more than that, I told her.

And she nodded. She’s familiar with it. She takes this seriously. I’ve heard her relate a discussion she had with her friend where she asked who she loved more - her family or herself? Her friend said: my family. My daughter apparently said: You need to love yourself first! You have to love yourself more!

I also set an alarm for just before PE began and said I would send her love at that exact time. She was still distraught, but calmer. We shall see. Because loving yourself isn’t a one trick pony. It’s something we are not taught how to do. It’s a new skill set that we have to practice and commit to 100%. Sometimes we will fail and lose our way. It also takes time to free ourselves from all the life we have created so far from a place of hate.

What do I mean by that?

Well, usually when clients first come to me, they are unhappy about ‘a problem’. They do not see the ecology of that problem. I do. I see that almost every area of their lives has been built, almost like scar tissue, around the wounds that were created by their early experiences. This isn’t wrong, it’s actually how this reality is set up. But it does mean that nearly everything in their lives (jobs, relationships, money, friends, even their personality) is actually a reaction of some description to their parents and/or early family; a reaction and creation based on pain.

BLENDING INTO YOUR SURROUNDINGS

So what I found (in myself, too - I’m not immune to this!) was that instead of choosing by following their deep and sacred desires and enthusiasms, and fiercely supporting those choices, clients were choosing to manipulate and control others in order to fit in. How did they do this? They would match their energy to another’s in order to be accepted. They would sort of ‘disappear’ themselves and morph into the space of being that their friend or family member was inhabiting. This enabled empaths to get along with people without too much friction and stay safe from criticism and judgement.

Although this looks like a good skill set to have (and it can be in certain situations) it's actually a symptom of trying to control how others see us. And why would we want to control how others see us? Because we secretly (and in some cases not-so-secretly) believe that we don't belong. We're not from here and we need to hide who we truly are because it won't be received. This is the place to begin work, not manipulating how others see us. Or - worse still - avoiding situations as a general rule and principle because we're empaths. We are the ones who need to receive us.

APPRECIATE AND ACKNOWLEDGE YOURSELF

Being empathic is a symptom of being an aware being, it's not an identity that we use as an excuse to avoid life. Let's start to appreciate us, and - even if the whole world doesn't get us and turns its back on us - let's be the good parents we wish we always had. And don't YOU ever turn your back on YOU!

No matter what anyone else thinks, says or does (that's actually got very little to do with you and everything to do with them) appreciate and acknowledge yourself even more. When the going gets tough, turn up the level of your positive self-regard. On a physical level, this is creating completely new neural pathways in your brain - you are not a fixed quantity, unable to change. The features of your personality are temporary like the sand dunes, always shape-shifting. Your being - who you truly are - is like the stars. You can trust yourself, and the more you do, the better your life becomes, and the more connected you feel to everyone around you.

When we nurture and practice this skill, and not before, we feel safe enough to find out what we really want in life. And you know what, you may actually want what you already have. We assume when we begin this work that we will become a totally different person and lose everything that is familiar, everything that keeps us safe.

No. We just get to choose what we experience in life.

Life is supposed to be full of challenges and growth. Growth is sometimes uncomfortable. A good parent doesn’t take away every difficulty because it hurts too much to see the child struggle. A good parent instills the deep love and support of self that will help the child weather those storms.

CAN YOU BE THE PARENT YOU NEVER HAD?

Can you be that supportive parent now? Can you admit that you may know nothing about what makes you happy because you’ve prioritised ‘fitting in’? That you’ve avoided feeling the pain of being totally alone and possibly unsupported in your choices?

Can you practice from this moment acknowledging yourself, unstintingly supporting and trusting yourself? Trusting that you know something (just like my daughter knew something), trusting that you have good reasons? Trusting that what you truly care about needs time, patience and support to come to light. Trusting that you will do whatever it takes to love you , commit to you and create a space that is right for you - even if it means leaving people, moving, or putting up boundaries.

Even if it’s the hardest thing you ever did.

That is being a loving parent for yourself. Will you commit to that with me now?

- Jessica, December 2022 -

If you enjoyed this article, you might also like this video…

Every day, we start things and don't finish them, we live half a life because we are afraid of failure.

I decided to hang at the beach and explore how we can totally show up for ourselves and achieve anything. (All of these explorations are created from a 'space of exploration'. I love to work in this way! I have no idea what I'm going to say: I choose a topic and open my mouth.) I'm here to show you that you don't have to plan, be more perfect or learn more. Just be more you.

Accountability is the foundation. You too can just open your mouth and access your unique vision and wisdom. The world needs to hear it.

Jessica Summers Hypnogenics

Hypnogenics™ combines the glorious energy you're being, with the energy we are being together. It has evolved from energetics, empathic coaching, and hypnotherapy. Read more about this transformative process HERE

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Jessica

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How To Be The Parent You Never Had