Triggers for Empaths (And how to overcome them)
What are the top triggers for empaths? And what are the most effective ways to deal with them? Let’s explore what triggers us - and how we can flip it around.
does this ring any bells?
If you’re reading this article, probably one of two things is true; either you know someone who you think is an empath and you’re trying to understand them… OR this is for you.
Perhaps you’re finding life so uncomfortable and difficult that identifying some triggers for empaths will make your life easier. Perhaps it will help you avoid or manage the situations that leave you overwhelmed and feeling like a failure. And perhaps you’re looking for a bit of reassurance that it is a ‘thing’ and you’re not crazy!
Let’s assume this is true for you. It certainly was for me (did I say was? Yes - past tense. Read on to see why). When I look back through my life, I remember so many areas that triggered an overwhelming emotional response that I would probably say (if you had asked me then) that life itself was a trigger!
Normal things that people seemed to do automatically were utterly overwhelming for me… and thus totally terrifying. The things that triggered an emotional response in me didn’t seem to be a problem for people around me. I felt like the freak - the one who hadn’t got the memo. Everyone else seemed to breeze through life and take to situations with ease and grace. And the worst part of being an empath was how extremely self-aware I felt. I was hyper aware of my own shame and embarrassment, as if it were turned up to 11. It was like being allergic to my own feelings. Does this ring true for you, too?
I know exactly how you feel.
This is not just an ‘educational’ article. Yes, I am a hypno-psychotherapist, and a coach for empaths, but I also experienced all of these triggers ‘on steroids’ as they say. And yet, these days, I not only manage these triggers - in general, they don’t affect my life at all. I am still an empath (that can never be deleted - so don’t try!) but now I’m using these triggers to become more of who I truly am, and to be of service to the planet. I would say it’s simple to change this, but it does take time, commitment and practice. Sound like something you’d like? Then read on. Let’s take a look at:
The Top Triggers for Empaths
My list is going to be different from your list, and your list will be different from your friend’s list. And actually, here’s the first clue to being free from overwhelm in response to triggers: value your own experiences. You are unlike anyone else. This reality would like to lump us all together on a scale from normal to insane. Such a scale doesn’t really exist. You are you, valuable just as you are now. Anyway, here we go:
TAKING AWAY PAIN AND SUFFERING
It is assumed that if you’re an empath, you always want to help people, you try to solve people’s problems and are considered kind and a good listener. You may be all those things, however that’s not always true. You might also worry that you’re selfish and antisocial. Please don’t assume you’re not an empath if you avoid people and their problems - it’s for very good reasons!
When people are in pain or suffering (whether they say anything to you or not) you will be aware of it in your body. All feelings begin with a physical trigger. The trigger might be as simple as being around someone who is experiencing turmoil. This is because an empath’s energy field will pick up on another’s. Perhaps the reason empaths are driven to ‘help’ could well be because we just can’t bear to be around such intense emotions.
If people around you are putting a brave face on or hiding/masking their emotions, this becomes very confusing for you. You know there is something wrong, you can feel it, but you are seemingly forbidden from discussing it. You have to pretend you don’t see the elephant in the room! This is still something that comes up for me, but we’ll talk later about how you can put yourself back in the driving seat.
However, the important thing to realise here is that taking away pain and suffering from others is not just a conscious choice, something you do by listening or helping; it happens on an energetic level and your body is very much involved in this process. This may be a new concept for you but it is essential to explore this if you want to live a happier life.
2. EMPATHS ARE TRIGGERED BY GROUPS OF ALL KIND
Okay, large groups of people can be intensely draining for empaths. Parties in general just aren’t our thing. A tete-a-tete with a trusted friend who really ‘gets us’ is our happy place. We can relax, be ourselves (up to a point - more on this later). However, in the company of a large group of people, or even a crowd, we are intensely aware of a maelstrom of feelings and you might even experience anxiety, a racing heart, shaking hands. In fact, a fight or flight response. Sometimes, empaths mistake that for an anxiety about crowds; it is actually an intense awareness of everybody’s energies all at once.
Another example of the ways that groups of people trigger empaths is when you find yourself in a group of three or four. This could be a group of friends, or (what’s even harder) at work. You see, the thing is, we empaths do something strange around people and, just like the above example, it’s something energetic that happens, not a conscious choice. We feel compelled to match our energy to each person we are with - it puts people at ease and helps us feel safe. However, what happens when we are with a group of people who all have different expectations of us? It becomes confusing and unmanageable for us if we continue to follow this way of doing things. Social situations become something we dread.
You might be saying at this point: but I don’t know how I’m doing it consciously, and I don’t know how to do anything else! Don’t worry, we’re going to explore this in the next section.
3. EMPATHS ARE SENSITIVE TO DEMANDS AND EXPECTATIONS
One of the things empaths are super aware of (me included) are the demands and expectations of others. Sometimes we can feel as if we are being driven in certain directions as if by invisible sheep dogs, herding us the way they’d like us to go. Perhaps you find yourself doing things for others and feeling trapped and uncomfortable. I think this is also why empaths can be so easily taken advantage of and, in some cases, gaslighted.
But how does this craziness happen? This whole cycle of feeling the spoken, and particularly, unspoken pressure from those around us springs from our deep-seated belief that we just can’t trust ourselves out in the ‘real world’. We look outside of ourselves for confirmation of the right way to be because the information within us is faulty; like I said, we never got the manual. So unfortunately, we use others’ expectations as our guide on how to behave. In the words of Sugar Cane: not very bright, I guess!
And what is the outcome of this? If it’s a work situation, we can end up doing more and being appreciated less. If we’re self-employed, we can do too much for free or for low prices (expecting everyone to leave if we ask our worth).
One dimensional relationships
In friendships and relationships, rather sadly, it can mean that we are only appreciated for the function we provide: The Listener / Plus 1 / Picker-up of Pieces / The one who’ll never leave. And when we fail to fulfil our role (because we’ve had enough and can’t take anymore, and also have a sneaking suspicion that this can’t be ALL there is for us) we are blamed, shamed, and punished. This only reinforces our view that we don’t know how to do things and that we are getting it wrong. So we jump back into making others happy and fulfilling their expectations. Right back on the bike again!
Or (because we empaths are not all the same - we share a processing style, not a personality), you may have been burned once too often at this game and have chosen to wall yourself off from all close friendships, judging them as unsafe and more than you can handle. In which case, you feel lonely and perennially misunderstood. Both are opposite ends of a polarity - and, ask anyone - I loathe a polarity! It’s not living from choice, but living from a reaction for or against something.
There is another way, you’ll be pleased to hear. Read on.
4. EMPATHS HATE CONFLICT
This is really an annexe of the last point, but it can bear having its own little bullet point because it has such a detrimental effect on the emotional and practical lives of empaths. Let me use a simple analogy to show you how.
What happens when you are learning to walk? Do you get up and start running fell races? Marathons? No? No, indeed. You begin by falling on your bottom, in public, and knocking over other people’s nick-nacks.
Does this cause conflict? It certainly does. Some people who love you will laugh fondly, amused at your toddler antics. But what about that grumpy old relative who hated their own children’s wildness all those years ago? They will shut you down when no-one is looking, making disapproving noises - or worse, call you stupid for falling at all, even shouting until the shame blooms on your cheeks.
So… when you heard this you obviously decided that: you’re probably no good at walking, that you’d rather crawl on your knees than ever experience that kind of unpleasantness again. Ah, crawling…it’s underrated, right? I mean, everyone will be doing it in ten or twenty years, surely? Of course you didn’t. And stark though this illustration is, it about sums up for me the wilful underachieving that we choose as empaths. Because to grow and to have a life we would like, in fact, to take part in the world, involves causing friction and conflict. Oh, and being uncomfortable.
But I want to acknowledge you here.
You are different from other people.
It is harder for you than others in SO many ways. But this doesn't mean NOT doing the things that make you uncomfortable.
It means being kind enough to admit that you are different and will have to work harder; and maybe admiring yourself a bit because of that. It also means committing to doing all the necessary work to be all that you actually can be in the world.
OK. I know. I promised that I’d help you figure out how to change this, the way I’ve changed it for myself. And it’s not a trick or ‘system’ or any of that marketing guff. It’s good plain, common sense stuff and it works. It’s simple but it isn’t easy. I’m going to say that now, but I think we need to stop looking for the magic pill, the one ‘right choice’ that will make your life perfect (which probably means living someone else’s life!). The changes can be instantaneous sometimes (you’ve already changed since you began reading this article - are you acknowledging that?!) and all of it is a process. We are always in a process of becoming. We will never be finished or ‘have it perfect’. That’s called being dead.
So here goes…
Powerful and Effective Tools for Overcoming Triggers For Empaths
1.HOW TO STOP TAKING ON OTHER PEOPLE’S SUFFERING
Invest in Awareness
I once shared a quote that was probably a private joke for empaths. It says: “It’s ok. You can let people hurt.”
Can you be the greatest kindness for people, and allow that they, and only they, are the ones who have the power to change their lives? It is said that we are never given more than we can handle and each person has the exact same chance to make the highest choice in each moment. I’d like you to explore this concept. And on a practical note:
Stop running away from feelings
When we choose to willingly experience that which we have decided is too much, then a kind of magic, an alchemy, occurs. This is really simple: we need to be aware of ALL feelings we experience as a bodily occurrence. Just feel the feeling in your body as an energy.
What we mostly do as empaths is become aware of the energy; then go and look through our psychological wardrobe for one of our emotional coats to hang on it, then we’ve made it ours. Then all that’s left is to fight it.
This is where empathic pain comes from. If we dedicate our focus to becoming as aware as we can of the initial trigger, experience it in our bodies as energy, then we can begin to change it. We also become much clearer about our sense of self: what is actually our ‘beingness’, and what is an awareness of someone else’s turmoil.
2. HOW TO STOP GETTING TRIGGERED IN GROUPS
So, how do you avoid being totally overwhelmed in group situations? The standard advice for empaths is to take time to be alone, to restore your boundaries. I would say we should also be discerning about choosing who to be around. Great crowds of 'non-conscious' people, people who are not aware and not dealing with their crap are no fun for us. We have bought the lie that this is 'normal' and we are the strange ones, and it's for us to fit in.
And what if it is your friends who are the overwhelming ones? Well, someone amazing (Haris Omanovic) told me an interesting thing that rang true. He said:
“ You are one in a million. And there are eight billion people on this planet; so there are at least a million people who are like you. But they probably don’t live in your neighbourhood. You have to get out there and kiss some frogs. ”
Find your people
I have found my posse on the other side of Europe! These are friends who accept me as I am and, most importantly, my body feels relaxed and comfortable around. You are not alone, you may well be in the wrong group or even the wrong location. Much of where we are in our adult life is based on parental patterns. So can you start to uncover all your patterns and live completely free from programming? The TRUE GRIT COMMUNITY is a good place to start. You will be welcome and valued for exactly who you are.
I think we're moving into an age when empaths are exactly what the world needs in order to heal. Can you start to see yourself as someone who has great potential for seeing things as they really are? This could be a valuable skill for the planet right now.
3. HOW TO STOP BEING AT THE MERCY OF OTHERS’ DEMANDS AND EXPECTATIONS
This one is very simple. And, like I said, it’s not a magic pill. The very best way you can ensure that you are living the life YOU want to live - and not ricocheting between resisting or fulfilling others’ demands - is to doggedly build up your own sense of self. This means that you have to stop judging yourself for who you are.
Stop masking
This doesn't mean always saying what is on our minds. It means not morphing into other people's energy because the truth is that it's exhausting for us. How do we stop doing this? By strengthening our own sense of self. By acknowledging ourselves in the way that maybe our parents never did. Celebrating and delighting in our enthusiasms and our passions; committing to prioritising them. Knowing and trusting that our unique passions are sacred and will lead us into a life that is happy, fulfilling, rich and useful.
Take time out
If you want time away from people, take it. Celebrate that time. If you find some people overwhelming, stop telling yourself you are weak. Perhaps they are overwhelming in ways that other people (who don’t have your talents) are unable to perceive. And if you’re reading this thinking: why can’t she give me some advice to just fit in?! I’m going to tell you something that is true, and the sooner you accept it, the better your life will be: YOU WILL NEVER FIT IN. So stop trying. Start appreciating yourself just as you are.
I think we're moving into an age when empaths are exactly what the world needs in order to heal. Can you start to see yourself as someone who has great potential for seeing things as they really are? This could be a valuable skill for the planet right now.
11 years ago. Training to be a teacher, but troubled and out of place.
You can change your life
If you’re wondering if this advice will work, I began my adult life as a social misfit. I drank too much, took drugs and smoked in order to cope with the pain of being alive. By the age of 28, I was a recluse in my bedroom, in the town in which I was born in the North of England. I really do know about emotional pain. I now live in Montenegro, in a house by the sea. I have genuine friends who I don’t feel awkward with. My work is meaningful. And I can talk with many people - WHEN I CHOOSE. And I do choose. I’m also able now to trust myself enough to take time to do absolutely nothing.
I have no fear about saying no, but I also know when saying yes is necessary, and I can do that too. I could never have imagined I would have the strength to emigrate and start a new life back in those dark times in ‘the bedroom’. Everything I share is something I’ve used to change my life.
Strengthen your sense of self
The stronger your sense of self, the less control others’ emotions will have over you. It’s not easy to change this directly but you can change it indirectly by valuing yourself and your own quality of life; by uncovering your own deep desires and enthusiasms. Those unique desires and enthusiasms that you came in with are your blueprint for being a happy, effective and productive human being. It is not your ability to carry others’ emotions that makes you a special and unique person. It is YOU. Who you are - your very being - the being your parents adored when you were born (or they should have done!).
4. HOW TO HANDLE CONFLICT AS AN EMPATH
One of the things I have observed that really made me feel so much better about myself was that I do feel things more intensely than other people. I believe that empaths are consistently accused of being defective or oversensitive. The popular thinking is that empaths are weaker than others: we crumble at what should be ‘normal’ feelings. This is a lie. Totally untrue. Our systems are like finely calibrated receivers; it’s a little like criticising an ant for responding to the vibrations of human footsteps.
This is all to say that even the expression on someone’s face could be viewed as conflict to you. You are that sensitive. Maybe even the thoughts in their head; the feelings in their body. As a result, we are often driven to bend and stretch ourselves to create an outcome that feels more comfortable, to ‘make people happy’, or to even avoid people we fear may be upset with us.
The very best way to deal with this situation is to practise, practise, practise. Practise what? You need to practise experiencing the feelings of discomfort in your body. This will begin to give you the information that the feelings aren’t you. They are just an experience you are aware of. And the next thing you need to practise is doing absolutely NOTHING about them. If you react and respond to the triggers you are experiencing, you are lost. It’s a steady process, but the very best skill you can have is experiencing the kind of emotional triggers that normally make you react, and you simply say to yourself: I will let this be there. I won’t fight it, I won’t act on it. I will just be curious about what this is, without needing to figure it out.
Just try this three times. Let me know what happened. What did you notice? How was it different? And if you’d like to see this in action, you can watch this video when I use this technique (I used it when someone, who was a friend, cut me off and ignored me in public.)
Happy in my own skin, connected with myself and choosing to be in the world
I believe in you!
Above all, I have written this article because I want you to know that, whatever you are experiencing right now, however hard life is, you are capable of great things. Those great things may not be to lead thousands of people- your life can be the perfect expression of who you truly are. I’m living proof that you do not need to get better, change, or become more perfect to make a huge difference to the world around you. You only need to become more yourself- what a relief!
Just imagine how you will feel when you are being totally yourself and living a happy, productive and effective life - whatever that looks like for you. All the many people who suffer and feel plain wrong in this world just need examples of empaths going out there and shining their light. I believe in you 100%. Go for it!
- Jessica Summers, November 2022 -
There will be another email in this series: “TRIGGERS FOR EMPATHS: And How to Use Them”
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